A very personal post

This is going to be a bit of a departure from the usual blog posts. Emotional and Personal, heads up.

My girlfriend was in a car accident today. She’s fine, but if she hadn’t been…

One of my biggest fears these ten long years I’ve been with her is that someone will take her away. First, it was worry that our parents would separate us. After coming out to our families, there was worry of losing our jobs (Yes, there are still laws on the books in our county -unlikely to be acted on, but still there). But my biggest fear has always been that she’ll get hurt, and I won’t be allowed in the hospital.

I spent the entire afternoon physically sick with worry, not because she was hurt -she called me almost immediately after it happened, and I knew she was fine. But I kept worrying that something was wrong and she just didn’t know it yet, and they’d rushed her to the hospital, and they’d call me, because I’m her emergency contact, but that I wouldn’t be able to get in to see her. That she’d be bleeding internally and dying and they’d keep me from her.

This is something sick and awful about this. There were a thousand other things I could be worrying about – that I could have been worrying about if we were a cis/heterocouple- but instead I was seized with the nauseating fear that my lover would die without my being allowed to hold her hand. I am tearing up again just writing this.

I realize there are states now in which we could be married, and that things are moving in the right direction, and honestly I’m not even sure where I’m going with this, half so much as I just needed to say it.

I live in a world where my biggest fears are not being allowed to be with the woman I love. And that’s wrong.

It’s that simple.

My parents faced similar issues, being a mixed race couple. I hope my nearly born nephew will grow up in a better world.

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